The Best Advice Ever

In lieu of attending my wedding on account of health reasons, my Grandpa Irwin sent me an email. In that email he wrote some words from his heart. Among those words was written some advice that I would later come to realize was the best advice I had ever gotten. They were words that would over time become etched into the very fabric of my being and shape the man I would become. Words that I would one day share with my children. Words that I would echo to so many others that I've crossed paths with and that they would eventually repeat back to me in the form of super convicting advice. But before I can tell you the advice you must first better understand the man behind the words.

Meet William Dutton. I know, I said it was my Grandpa Irwin who gave me the advice. It's the same guy. He was adopted. William, or Bill as he went by, was not exactly the most well-behaved kid growing up. His dad had left and his mom was struggling to raise him. At age 15 he was about to get thrown into reform school as a ward of the state but, as fate would have it, a merciful sheriff instead choose to give him a second chance and put him up for adoption. It was then that Bill was adopted by the Irwin's, hence the last name change. Three formative years would pass under their care before Bill enlisted in the service at age 18.

Out of the service, Bill quickly found work at IBM, learned how to program, and started his own data processing company called Midwest Data Control. This was when computers took up a whole room. He would go on to sell that company and jump between a handful of high profile positions in the budding industry of Computing Systems.

At some point during that career Bill tried his hand at higher education, majoring in poker and minoring in Pre-Med. He made it through 3 years Nursing school and may not have come out of it with a degree but did come out having found the love of his live, Marlene.

It is said that Bill would have parted the seas for Marlene. When I asked my mom and aunt what Bill and Marlene were like, it was as if I'd just reminded them of the fondest of all memories. Their eyes lit up and smiles began to take shape. I was quickly bombarded with a slew of stories that might as well have come out of some great novel or a fairy tale. Stories like how one time my Grandpa, out of an adrenaline rush of compassion, lifted a tractor off of a man who was pinned against a barn. Stories about how my Grandma once bolted out of the house to tend to some kids who had just crashed their car while hot-rodding down their street. The one theme that seemed consistent throughout was their extravagant love for each other and the people around them.

In the early 70s, Marlene was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Being a nurse, she had actually self-diagnosed herself in 1965 but doctors hadn't figured out how to officially diagnose it at that point. By the early 80s she was no longer able to get around. Bill made a decision to always care for her under his own roof as long as she had her mental faculties. And she never did lose her mind. In fact, quite the opposite. She was always happy. The nurses couldn't believe her temperament. People actually mistook her happiness for being heavily medicated.

My only memories of Grandma Irwin were seeing her in her hospital bed, smiling, in the back room of their Seward, Nebraska house with her two birds keeping her company. I remember her bed was situated in a room just off the kitchen which meant, with my Grandpa being an amazing cook, she had a front row sniff to every meal. The only problem was that she had to eat through a feeding tube and couldn't actually partake of the meals. Her response when asked about this dilemma? "It never really bothered me." Of course she would say that.

For years my Grandpa cared for her, bathed her, tended to her medical needs, and kept her company all by himself. He even deliberately moved himself and Grandma to Utah, further away from his kids, because he didn't want her care to be a burden to anyone except himself.

Marlene passed away on January 29, 1995 due to complications from a surgery. My Grandpa took care of her all those years by himself. This is the kind of love he was capable of. A sacrificial love that knew no limits and would do it all over again if given the chance.

So, now that you better understand the kind of man my Grandpa was, the advice he emailed me leading up to my wedding will make more sense. With out further ado, I give you the best advice I've ever be given:

"It's not as important to be right as it is to be loving and understanding at all times."

There you have it. Simple yet deeply profound and difficult to live out. I've learned that I mustn't let my concern about being right outweigh the relationships I have with the people around me. As much as I want to defend my point of view and prove I am right, it doesn't actually matter as much as having an authentic human connection with someone and understanding their point of view. They're more likely to come around to your way of thinking if they don't have their guard up anyways. This applies to my relationship with my wife, my children, my co-workers, my family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers. What good is there in winning an argument if in the process you lose the person? It's better to be falsely accused of being wrong and reconcile your relationships than to lash out and lay claim to empty satisfaction.

My Grandpa actually passed away three months before my wedding in 2005. At his memorial service, I brought with me a print out of the email where he wrote this advice and, through blurred vision, read those words once again to a room filled with his close friends and loved ones. That group of people, who were privileged enough to know Grandpa Irwin, knew better than any the truth behind the wisdom.

You're Not Alone

It's a lie to believe that you're the only one going through something. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man" (NKJV). The New Living Translations puts it "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience."

Just let that sink in. We think our struggles are so unique and that no one could possibly understand what we're going through. They aren't. And they do.

See isolation is the enemy's tactic. If he can get you alone you become an easy target, or at least you're no longer threat to his cause. Lions when they are hunting will wait for the wounded and weak to separate from the pack before they strike. It's not in our design to be alone. God pretty much flat out said it from the get-go "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18).

Even statistically there is a high chance that the people you're around every day are dealing with something similar. I started to look up some of these statistics out of curiosity but had to stop because it was actually quite the downer. It's crazy how common these things are.

In the US: 

• 1 in 12 adults suffer from alcohol abuse 
• 1 in 10 suffer from depression 
• 1 in 10 college-age women suffer from a clinical eating disorder 
• 1 in 2 children will witness the divorce of their parents 
• 6 in 10 Christian males regularly view pornography 

It is easy to keep your problems to yourself isn't it? It's hard to let someone know, like really know, what you're dealing with. That's because shame is a powerful force to reckon with. In fact, it's been at work ever since the very first sin. What did Adam and Eve do as soon as they had eaten the fruit from the Tree of Life? They suddenly realized they were naked and hid. It's one thing to know you've done something wrong and be embarrassed about it but it's another to let shame creep in. Embarrassment says "I did something wrong" but shame says "I am something wrong". That's the danger with shame. It starts to take over who you are and shape your identity around a lie.

1 Corinthians 10:13 actually has a bit more to it that I didn't mention earlier. Here's the full verse: "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."

God is faithful and will make a way of escape. You have an out. When you're falling into the trap, look for help.

I apologize in advance here for my nerdiness but it's like that scene on Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope when Luke, Han, Chewbacca and Leia are stuck in the trash compactor. Luke is being attacked and drug under all the garbage by a tentacled creature called a dianoga and, to make matters worse, the walls start closing in. Luke calls out to C-3PO for help and just before they are crushed R2-D2 turns the compactor off and opens the door.

When you are facing an impossible task call out to the person who eats the impossible for breakfast. He is faithful to make a way of escape.

For some of us, the escape isn't hard to find. There's bright red neon EXIT sign in plain view but it's like each time you walk through that exit you end up back in the very same room, like some kind of sick cosmic joke. As such, we've grown accustomed to our dark room. Psalm 18:19 says "He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." Grab a hold of that truth and you try the exit again.

There is no temptation that is too great for our Lord to overcome. In fact, did you know that he already did? The bible says that Jesus endured every temptation we've had to face and was able to overcome.. Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." He's proven he can handle it. He's gotten into the ring and earned the championship belt. Tag in the reigning champ on the fights we can't handle and stick to the ones we can.

Name Changer

In the iconic Act II of Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet, the scene opens with the radiant Juliet exiting her chambers onto her balcony, unaware of Romeo's presence just below. After the drooling Romeo utters a few words to himself, Juliet starts in on her famous soliloquy, "O Romeo Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo". She then proceeds to eloquently exclaim into the night sky about how their differing last names are causing all of their problems, thus the forbidden love plot around which the entire play revolves. It is there, in the middle of that speech that she says this verse:

What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

It's a good point. You could call a "rose" a "cow" and it wouldn't change its sweet fragrance. It's not the name that determines its features. It might not pack the same poetic punch though I suppose, "Come hither my Sweet and partake of the majestic aromas emanating from this cow."... how romantic. But how would we know any better if "cow" was the name we always associated with the colorful little flower we call a rose?

This got me thinking. It's weird that words and names have inherent connotations. If you think about it, they are just a collection of letters that, when arranged a certain way can evoke emotional reactions; reactions that can be similar to what others feel or wildly differ. They shape the very fabric of our thoughts and how we mentally perceive the world. If that's the case, they just might be the most powerful force in the universe.

Deep... anyways back to the hopeless romantic Juliet's point, what IS in a name? It's not your name that defines the content of your character but rather vice versa. Romeo and Juliet were hyper-compatible based on their character but it was their family names and all that those names stood for that were defining them. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you've grown up in the shadow of an older sibling or found your self reproducing generational tendencies or even allowed yourself to be defined by the labels placed on you by society.

When it comes to personality, humans behave a lot like chameleons. We match the color of our surroundings to fit in. But what happens when the source of something so monumental as our identity is defined by outside influences? We are tossed into the tragic pursuit of becoming someone we see rather than someone we be. This can be incredibly frustrating because, well, to take some advice from another great poet:

"Today you are You

That is truer than true.

There is no one alive

who is Youer than You."

~Dr. Seuss

Now let me turn this blog up to 11. You know your name? Yeah, the one you've had since birth. What if one day God all of the sudden told you "You are no longer [insert your name here]. You shall now be called [insert new name here]." Boom. Just like that, God completely re-labels you. He rips your "Hello my name is ____" sticker off, slaps on a shiny new one and says "That old one was alright but this is how I see you." Wouldn't that be crazy? It sure was for a guy named Abram.

At the spry young age of 99 God says to Abram:

"This is my covenant with you: I will make you the father of a multitude of nations! What's more, I am changing your name. It will no longer be Abram. Instead, you will be called Abraham, for you will be the father of many nations. I will make you extremely fruitful. Your descendants will become many nations, and kings will be among them!" (Genesis 17:1-6)

There was something so special, so grand, about God's plan for Abram's life that God decided to re-brand him. Abram which meant "Exalted Father" was now Abraham which means "Father of a great multitude". Did I mention he was 99 years old at the time? I think I did.

This actually happened with Abraham's wife too. Her name was Sarai, meaning "Princess", and God renamed her to Sarah, meaning "Mother of nations". Soon after that they miraculously have a son named Isaac, from whom comes Jacob from whom comes Judah from whose line comes David from whose line comes Jesus. The parents of nations indeed.

As it turns out, just like Abram, God sees you differently than everyone else. Regardless of your name, regardless of your parents, regardless of what everyone's saying about you, God thinks more highly of you. He thought the world needed a you so he made you. You exist because He wanted you to. Take confidence in this fact, that there is a Father who had you named before you were even born.

It pains me to see so many people searching for identity in all the wrong places. They are desperate to find someone who will tell them who they are and what their purpose is. And there are plenty of just-as-lost people who are eager to answer that question for them, offering up empty promises and company for their misery. Everyone is longing for belonging.

The truth is, there is only one place you can truly find the answer to those questions. It's a place called Calvary. The place where everyone's name was paid for in full and everyone's potential unlocked. The place where Jesus says to us "I see you with all of your imperfections and flaws, with all of your mistakes and sins, and I say you're worth it. I will pay the ultimate price for you because you're worth it. Believe in me and you will find out what I see in you and all that you can become."

This is your identity. You are the beloved of God's and he has a special place for you in His heart.

Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches. To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it. ~Revelation 2:17

Obedience > Sacrifice

I've never been one to diet. I guess I just always felt I had better things to do than think about what I'm putting into my body, which is admittedly a terrible mentality to have. Just because I didn't think about it didn't mean I wasn't eating the consequences... see what I did there. And I ate terribly in my bachelor days; the Pre-Ellen Era if you will (P.E.E.? ... bathroom humor this early in a blog can't be a good sign). 

Have you ever heard of a delightful entrée called the Rib-R-Que? This exquisite dish comes to us from the distant aisles of Kwik Trip, sealed in a lovely plastic bag for your microwaving enjoyment. Reminded me of middle school cafeteria lunch. I don't think it qualifies for any of the food groups though. It may be more closely related in chemical make-up to that of plastic. Perhaps better suited for the table of elements than the table of dining. The lovely Rib-R-Que. Yeah, that was my go-to meal at around midnight those days, which was when I would normally realize "hey, I didn't eat supper".

I'm pretty sure I would have turned into a Rib-R-Que if I had kept that up any longer. It is easier to manage your eating habits up front than to try to work it off later when it's a problem, am i right? I hear people say all the time "Man, I'm going to pay for this later" as they chomp into a big ole double-fudge brownie or "This is going to go straight to my thighs". A little self-control up front could save us some effort in the long run.

I should note that I am a fairly healthy guy thanks to my wife who is smart about these things. I am still really not the most qualified to be talking about dieting though so I'm going to take a sharp turn into something I do know about.

"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,

As in obeying the voice of the Lord?

Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice"

1 Samuel 15:22

This verse comes to us from the great old testament prophet Samuel in a hard-hitting message delivered to Saul, the reigning King of Israel in that day. Earlier in the chapter Samuel had relayed some very specific instructions from God to Saul on how he was supposed to "utterly destroy" the Amalekites, a group of people who had ambushed Israel during the Exodus from Egypt. Well, Saul took some liberties when it came time for the attack and spared the Amalekite King and some of his livestock. In other words, not-so-utter destruction. Saul then began sacrificing some of those livestock, thus why Samuel's message carried such a punch.

The sacrifice in itself was not a bad thing. In fact, it was a requirement God laid out in the old testament to atone for sin, but it wasn't what God was asking for in this situation. He wanted obedience more than he wanted a sacrifice. It's better to obey now, than to sacrifice later. Just like eating. And especially like traffic laws.

I get this concept as a dad. I'm asking my kids to do stuff all the time. "Pick up your toys.", "Stop slapping your sister.", "Put on some pants." Do they always listen? [insert crazed parent look] No. No they don't. But they sure wish they had when I up the ante. "Okay we'll trade jobs. I'll pick up your toys and you can change Asher's dirty diaper. Remember it was taco night last night."

I think the fact that this principle is in the Old Testament is so cool. Because the Old Testament is all about the rules - the Ten Commandments, Leviticus, all kinds of rituals, a bunch of judges, and so on - but it's like God was giving us a preview of the New Covenant Jesus would bring. Jesus does away with the law of sacrifices altogether and becomes the ultimate and final sacrifice in exchange for our obedient, repentant hearts.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."

2 Corinthians 10:4-6

God can do amazing things with a little obedience. In the verse above Paul talks about obedience in the context of the imagery of weaponry and warfare. When you make the right choice in line with God's will, you're literally advancing the Kingdom of God in your area of influence. Your taking ground for the good guys and squashing the lies and darkness in the process. Your seemingly small act of obedience can turn into blessings upon blessings for generations to come.